Counting For Caleb {12}

Sixty days...the exact number of days a birth father has to take legal action in order to stop an adoption.

Sixty days..the exact number of days an adoptive family lives in absolute paralyzing fear.

The initial email from the agency asking us to consider having our profile shown to Janey included information on the birth father's position which wasn't in favor of the adoption plan.  We were well aware of the risk involved with this particular adoption before even agreeing to be considered as a potential match.

After Janey selected our family, a number of conversations took place between Caleb's birth father (who I will refer to as Lance) and our case worker.  Despite not being on board with the adoption plan, he didn't seek any legal action to prevent it.

The hospital's protocol involved notifying the birth father before we could leave the hospital with the baby.  The hospital's social worker and our case worker contacted Lance a few short hours after Caleb was born.  Being consistent with previous conversations, he adamantly shared that he was still not on board with Janey's adoption plan.  We spent the next few days counting hours and minutes waiting for one of two things to happen...Lance to appear or discharge papers to be signed.  There are absolutely no words to describe the anxiety taking up space in 2 hospital rooms.

Needless to say, we left the hospital with Caleb knowing that our hearts could be ripped out of our chests at any moment.

When Caleb was eleven days old, Lance resurfaced asking to view our profile book which was mailed immediately.  We were scared.  We waited.  Forty seven days passed.  Nothing.

On the afternoon of day 58, I received a phone call from a familiar number.  Moments later, my heart was held together by a strand as our caseworker shared that Lance had requested to speak with us directly.  Day 58.  We had been celebrating only moments before the sound of my ring tone filled the air.  Day 58.  So close to 60, but yet so far away.  Day 58.  Less than 48 hours from the judge ending the matter with one word...abandonment.  Reluctantly, we agreed to a phone conversation.

At this point, my heart was so hardened in response to this man...the one who stood between me and my precious Caleb. Praying and believing that God had a perfect plan was the only thing that held us together while we waited for the one phone call that could forever change the course of our lives and the life of our precious Caleb.  We were once again absolutely powerless. Only this time the stakes were higher because he had spent close to 2 months being loved and treasured in our home by our family and friends.

The moment our phone rang, the nervous inappropriate laughter escaped.  Shaking inside and out, we finally managed to answer, and the conversation began flowing immediately.  In that very moment, he was no longer the monster that I had envisioned but a man..broken..hurting...full of love..with a story.  Within a matter of a few seconds, a connection happened.  We laughed.  We answered hard questions.  We offered assurance.  The following words were spoken..."I think she made a great choice.  I will sign the papers."  We breathed.

On day 67, I posted the following on facebook.

We are the "official" legal guardians of this squish, and an adoption finalization hearing is scheduled for March 6. You guys...this is a really big deal! We Are going to celebrate with Casey's pizza, Coca Cola, and hopefully a nap.

 

I would like to report that the papers were signed, notarized, and returned promptly, but that wasn't the case.

One hundred and forty five days after Caleb was born, I made this post.

The adoption agency contacted us today to inform us that Caleb's birth father FINALLY sent his signed consent. After day 60, it wasn't much of a concern, but it was still a hallelujah moment. I also purchased his monogrammed stocking. One gigantic step closer to him being stuck with us forever. He is excited too.



Contact with Lance hasn't continued, but I do send a packet with a letter and pictures to the agency for him every 3 months this first year.  Leaving this door open for Caleb is definitely a priority for us.

As I write this post exactly 2 weeks after our finalization hearing, I am still overwhelmed at God's presence in the midst of our counting.  He is faithful.  Hallelujah!

Remember

On most accounts, we are an absolutely average American family.  Our love is fierce and strong.  We feel compassion and notice potential.  Our protective instincts are often activated.  We argue, disagree, and sometimes even speak harshly.  Apologizing and accepting the consequences of our actions are daily components of our lives.

On the other hand, we are also very different and unique.  For starters, there are a lot of us, and chaos seems to be our 7th family member.  Secondly, the color of our skin is a variety of shades of brown.

People notice.  People stare.  People wonder.  People say things.  People remember us.

A few months ago, we were shopping at an extremely crowded Aldi.  Our 2 carts were filled to the brim with little boys and groceries.  Scott and I found ourselves debating whether or not we should buy a bag of apples.  Needless to say, it was just a typical shopping adventure for our family.  A few days later, Scott, the little boys, and I were having lunch at our local Chick-fil-a when a stranger casually approached our table.  She simply asked, "Did you end up buying the apples?  I was at Aldi the other night and eavesdropped on your conversation.  By the way, your family is beautiful."  She remembered us.

Last week, Olivia was given the task of writing a personal letter to the author of her favorite book, Wonder.  The main character is a young boy named Auggie whose physical appearance elicits stares, giggles, judgement, and the pointing of fingers.  In the content of her well thought out letter, she expressed how she was able to relate to Auggie and his family because our family looks different too.  While putting the finishing touches on her letter, she placed a family photo that she was including on the corner of her desk.  One of her 27 classmates skipped by, stopped, and whispered, "I just love your family!"  I am so very thankful for a community that remembers that beauty exists in diversity.

If you happen to encounter our family, please smile and love on our babies.  We love to hear how beautiful and special they are.  Feel free to comment on how we must have a lovely story.  Please don't ask if they are our foster children.  Refrain from using the words "real siblings".  Please don't comment that you hope we actually get to keep them or that they are so very lucky to have us.  Questions similar to "Will they ever get to see their real family?" are confusing to our loves.  Please remember that our little boys are sensitive and exploring the definition of adoption at their own pace.

Our prayer is that people will see Jesus reflected in our family.  We hope that they remember observing love, patience, and immeasurable joy sprinkled in with the crazy.

Pro-Birthmothers {1}

As the 2016 Presidential Election quickly draws upon this fine country, Pro-Life posts and articles flood my social media feed.  As a Pro-Life supporter, I am incredibly encouraged, but something persistently nags at the very core of my being...the way birth mothers are viewed and valued among some of the supporters of this very group.

Sadly, the words that I am about to write would have once pointed a finger right back at me.

Please be mindful of the fact that abortions can take place in an extremely secretive way, but thoughtfully choosing to place a baby with a loving family is anything but secretive. 

Birth mothers are forced to face their socially controversial decision head-on at every turn.  Horrid words and disgust are often the response given to women who are afraid and in desperate need of compassion.  Unfortunately, I have been the invested witness to such words, gestures, and behaviors among family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, and the medical community.  My goal is not to bring judgement for such attitudes, but to provide the knowledge and mindfulness to raise our expectations.

We can not be Pro-Life and Anti-Birth mother.

We can not shun birth mothers for their difficult decisions.
We can not look down on them with disgust.
We can not place judgement on their character or make assumptions about their life styles.
We can not disregard them as insignificant.

For any and all bad decisions made, choosing life when faced with an unplanned pregnancy trumps them all.  (no pun intended)

Pro-Life. Pro-Love.  Pro-Compassion.  Pro-Grace.  Pro-Changing the way society views courageous women who have made adoption plans.

 

Counting For Caleb {10}

When Caleb was 67 days old (Yes.  We were counting.), we entered our county courthouse with a song in our hearts, spring in our steps, and attorney in tow.  Walking down the crowded hallway leading to the court room, our demeanor and dress caused us to stick out like a sore thumb among the other citizens testifying that day.  Our attorney secured a small holding room where we anxiously waited for our turn.

After approximately 30 minutes, we were escorted into the chaotic courtroom filled with bickering attorneys and irritated legal staff.   The judge paraded in and immediately demanded that the courtroom be cleared of anyone who wasn't involved with our case.  The activity in the room quickly shuffled out the door.  Her next question revolved around the fact that our homestudy had not been correctly filed with the court.  Our attorney's explanation for the mishap was cut short when she abruptly asked for a hard copy to review.  She hastily flipped through the lengthy document, sighed, and shared that she needed time to review the homestudy in its entirety.

A brief glimpse into my thoughts during that 15 minute recess..

-This lady is either as tough as nails, or she has already experienced more than enough crazy for one day. (It was only 9:30ish.)

-This step towards finalizing the adoption just isn't going to happen today.  We are going to have to keep counting, praying, and holding our breath.

-Boy oh boy...Nothing about this adoption has been easy.

-I can't bring all our kiddos to the adoption finalization hearing in a few months because this is absolutely terrifying.

Our caseworker who was scheduled to testify first actually smiled and whispered, "Are you sure about this being your last adoption?"

I physically cringed when the heavy squeaky door finally opened, and the judge returned to her position of power.  Much to our amazement and surprise, we quickly evaluated the change in her body language, attitude, and facial expressions.  Smiling and laughter immediately erupted between her and the court reporter.  The atmosphere in the court room completely transformed, and our hope of securing legal guardianship that day returned.

After I was sworn in by the bailiff, the now warm and fuzzy judge said, "Mrs. H..please take a deep breath and smile!"

As my testimony was coming to a close, the attorney representing Caleb's best interest decided to ask one final question.  He asked, "Is Caleb always this easy and quiet?"  Like all proud mommas, I didn't hesitate before responding with an extremely positive...YES!  Then I remembered that I was under oath, and for a few brief moments I panicked.  I lied under oath!  With sweat forming and a crack in my voice, I came clean informing the court that he does have "moments" of not being absolutely happy and quiet.  I didn't even need to glance back at Scott to know that he was shaking his head and giggling.

We were granted legal guardianship of Caleb Jesse, and an adoption finalization hearing was set for March 6, 2017.  Before dismissing the court, the judge graciously invited us to bring all of the children to court in March because she would have a gift for them.

We stopped counting at 67.

True joy.

Counting For Caleb {9}

Caleb was the only baby born at Mercy Jefferson during the 48 hour window that he was a patient.  The hospital graciously offered Scott and I a room next door to Janey to make our own for the weekend.  Being Caleb's primary care givers from the very beginning was an amazing opportunity to say the least, but it also had the ability to create more than a handful of uncomfortable social situations. 

The hours following Caleb's birth were spent communicating and sharing our sweet bundle of delight.

Scott and I planned to assess the situation and emotions involved before making any definite plans for our children and family to visit.  Janey's desire to share in Andrew, Olivia, and Jaxson's excitement was evident very early in the day.  Needless to say, we contacted the troops, and within minutes our once peaceful quiet hospital room closely resembled Central Station.

Over the course of the 48 hours, we were introduced to Janey's older children which was a real treat. 

I found myself counting once again.

-Two identically decorated hospital rooms
-One absolutely perfect baby to treasure and love
-One family filled with introductions, hope, and the promise of a future spent together
-One family struggling with sadness, fear, and the reality of saying hello and goodbye in the same breath.
-Eight biological and adopted brothers and sisters with twinkling eyes, open arms, and toothy smiles falling head over heels in love with one darling baby
-Two mothers focused on answering questions honestly while acknowledging real fears
-One family unit taking a huge leap of faith trusting us with their precious Caleb and our promise of future contact
-One mother counting the minutes until the final discharge papers were signed
-One mother counting the seconds left before saying "goodbye"

2 rooms + 2 families +1 baby = more than enough love 

 Elisha was Caleb's very first visitor.

 Believe it or not, this photo is absolutely candid.  My niece grabbed my
phone and captured this moment while we were completely unaware.

Counting For Caleb {8}

At approximately 1:30 a.m. on June 24, Janey called to inform us that she was in active labor.  We secured childcare and rushed to the hospital where we focused on supporting her through the intense contractions.  After spending a few hours attempting to rest in the uncomfortable waiting room chairs, Janey texted informing us that it was getting close.  Her water had been broken, and pitocin had been administered hours in advance.

The next hour seemed to pass in the blink of an eye.  The teeny tiny room went from Janey and I having a quiet intimate conversation to a room absolutely overflowing with equipment, nurses, doctors, and students.  Amidst the chaos, Janey managed to get the attention of the hospital staff and demand that they clear a spot for me beside her.  Holding her shivering hand, I anxiously watched in amazement as Caleb made his way into this world, my heart, and my arms.  The opportunity to cut the umbilical cord was given to me, and Janey insisted that we immediately snuggle skin to skin in order to jump start the bonding process.

The entire experience was a beautiful gift.

While Scott and I were falling head over heels in love with this precious new baby, she was a quiet selfless observer.

When I gently placed him on my skin-exposed chest, she watched.
When I whispered sweet words of introduction, she watched.
When I kissed his rosy plump cheeks for the first time, she watched.
When I introduced him to his daddy, she watched.
When I asked questions about his health, she listened intently.
When I fed him for the first time, she watched.
When I expressed how perfect he was, she nodded in agreement.
When I leaned over and commented that he looked like her, she smiled.

When a piece of me was born, a piece of her died.

True love.

Name: Caleb Jesse
Date and Time: June 24, 2016 at 9:50 a.m.
Weight: 6 pounds and 11 ounces
Length: 18.5 inches
Place: Mercy Jefferson

Counting For Caleb {7}

The next 3 months were filled with a few text conversations and a lot of quiet time which led to insecurity, questions, and doubt. We found ourselves waiting patiently (or not) again.

The adoption agency's general practice is to let birth mothers select adoptive families during their third trimesters.  Given Janey's history of early deliveries and her desire to have an open relationship during her pregnancy, they decided to let her match with a family much earlier in the process.

At one point, I found myself a little frustrated with the agency's decision.  Scott was quick to point out that this appeared to be part of God's divine plan.  If the agency would have waited until the third trimester in this situation, our home study would have expired, and Janey would have never been introduced to our family.  This was a definite attitude changer.

I recycled the frustration into a complete home transformation which consisted of painting 3/4 of our house and switching all of the kiddos' rooms.  Creating the perfect space for sweet Caleb served as the perfect distraction.

Counting For Caleb {6}

The morning of March 17 started off the same as every other horrible, rotten, no good, awful, bad day that I have ever experienced.

Andrew was slowly recovering from his third case of strep in just a few short months, and I woke up at 3 a.m. feeling absolutely miserable.  My head pounded.  My throat hurt.  My body ached, and I was overwhelming warm.  Needless to say, I counted the minutes until I was granted the freedom to crawl into bed for at least 12 hours.  Scott's work day ended not a moment too soon, and I happily burrowed my exhausted body into the blankets.

Just a few short moments later, my phone rang.  The incoming number was not recognized as a personal contact, and an unfamiliar voice greeted me quickly explaining that she was one of Janey's friends.  To make a long conversation short, she shared that Janey was in labor at 24 weeks and 3 days.  She was being transferred from the local hospital to a more high risk option.  Countless steps had already been taken to stop the premature labor with no success.  The doctors were fearful that Caleb would be born in the next 12 hours.

My dear friend, family physician, and fellow adoptive mother worked me into her full schedule right away for a strep test and a short heart to heart chat.  Even though I tested negative for strep, we decided that exposing Janey and the baby to my sickness wasn't in their best interests.  We agreed that waiting 24 hours before entering the hospital was the right plan of action.  

Research suggested that a baby born at 24 weeks stood a good chance of survival with intense medical care.  The estimated time spent in the NICU was 6 months and could cost tens of thousands of dollars.

We "counted" the next 24 hours with continuous prayer.  My sweet Scotty began intently asking and believing for a full term healthy baby.  It goes without saying, God stopped Janey's labor protecting Caleb and our family.

Y'all...Caleb was born at 39 weeks and 5 days, and our dear friend Pitocin was involved!

An absolute miracle.

Counting For Caleb {5}

Placing Caleb for adoption and having the adoptive parents extremely involved in the process were decisions that Janey made very early in her pregnancy.  For this reason, she decided to wait on finding out the gender of the baby.  She did however have a strong feeling that it was a girl which we would have named Adalyn Hope.

The day of the ultrasound, Caleb was being a real stinker and wouldn't uncross his legs.  The ultrasound technician finally found a clear view and declared, "It's a boy!"

Shocked would be the perfect word to describe Janey's response, but I was not surprised by the revelation because I could only imagine another gorgeous biracial baby boy.

Andrew, Olivia, and Jax's response to having a new sibling was of great interest to Janey.  For this reason, I decided to throw together a simple gender reveal for Scott and the kiddos.  A big box and a bouquet of blue balloons were purchased on the way home.

Olivia took it upon herself to make pink and blue bows/bow ties to represent each person's guess.  Basing her decision on Janey's feeling and the strong desire to have a baby sister, Olivia confidently placed a pink bow in her hair.  She did need a few minutes to recover after the big reveal.  Switching her mindset from pink dresses and hair bows to superhero capes and bow ties took only a handful of minutes.

The quality of the photos isn't great, but the reveal was absolutely perfect.

Counting For Caleb {4}

The days leading up to the appointment were definitely filled with a contradiction of emotions.  On one hand, I was beyond excited at the opportunity to get a glimpse of this new life who very well could be mine to love and treasure forever.  On the other hand, there was a very present element of fear.

What if I actively participate in this pregnancy, and in the end she decides to parent?

What if my words or actions are in some way offensive causing her to feel angry, uncomfortable, or possibly even question her decision?

What if I am too guarded and my emotional response to this process doesn't match her expectations?

What if my realness, honesty, and belief in strong communication are too much for her?

If you know me well, then you will not be surprised to read that I showed up entirely too early in hopes of observing my surroundings, gathering information to aid in the day's logistics, and to just gather my thoughts.  I vividly remember sitting in the comfortable patterned waiting room chairs, and praying a silent prayer that closely resembled one said approximately 3 1/2 years ago.

"God, I have no idea how this is going to end, but help me to love her and this precious baby the way You do.  Help me silence my selfishness and be enough."

The peace that I am all too familiar with fell upon me.

In my mind's eye, the day was just about as perfect as the sweet sounds that I am hearing at this very moment and the baby who is making them.

Janey has a number of health issues, and it only took a short amount of time in the Dr.'s office that morning for me to realize that this pregnancy was most definitely high risk.  Thirty four weeks was the longest that she had ever carried a baby.  Given her history and current situation, there was absolutely no reason to believe that this pregnancy would be any different.  A premature baby and a stay in the NICU looked like a real possibility.

Counting For Caleb {3}

On the cold dreary afternoon of February 15, our ordinary day was transformed into an extraordinary one with a singular phone call.  The extremely chipper adoption caseworker excitedly shared that a birthmother (who I will refer to as Janey) had requested a meeting with us to discuss a potential match.

The pounding in my chest served as a distraction, and forcing myself to focus on the information being presented was a real challenge.  The most interesting and unusual take-away from that conversation was the fact that Janey recognized Scott's parents, brother, and sister in law while studying our profile book.  In years' past, Scott's family owned and operated a small daycare in a neighboring community.  As chance would have it, they had lovingly cared for Janey's older children.  This was a definite answer to her prayers and a solution to one of her many concerns.  The genuineness of our family was confirmed in her mind and great peace came from this realization.

On February 22, we met our caseworker, Janey, her sister, and her friend at a local restaurant for what probably looked like a casual lunch date to the other diners.  I would like to say that it was less stressful and intimidating than our first match meeting with Ashley, but that would be a down right lie.  With that said, we approached this experience like all other realms of our life...with absolute realness and honesty.

Thankfully, we had an instant connection and conversation flowed easily.  Janey had a handwritten list of questions and concerns which helped eliminate the uncomfortable silence that sometimes exists in new relationships.

At the end of our lunch date, I was graciously invited to her next Dr.'s appointment on March 1 which was an encouraging sign.  An in-depth ultrasound was scheduled for that visit, and I was so thankful for the opportunity to soak in as much as absolutely possible.

Counting For Caleb {2}

On December 2, 2013, a wooden gavel slammed against a podium followed by a loud firm voice which quickly proclaimed, "Ladies and gentlemen of the court...let me be the first to introduce Jaxson Scott H.....!"  In that moment, Scott and I both knew that we would one day in the distant future find ourselves in another court room holding another beautiful baby and rejoicing over a second finalized adoption.

In early February of 2015, we excitedly started the adoption process for the second time and committed to one year which is the life of an updated home study.  Scott and I are not spring chickens and having a newborn after turning 40 was not something we had ever considered.  So..there was an issue of time, but we were both pretty confident that the wait would be short.  

However, God had a different plan.  Eleven months after becoming an official waiting family, our profile hadn't been shown a single time.  Waiting is hard, and discouragement quickly raised it's ugly head.  We both began to question if we had actually followed God's plan for our family.  Preparing our hearts for the year to pass without adding a sixth member became a real priority.

Our homestudy officially expired on March 24.  The update packet had been sitting on my desk for several weeks when on February 4 (3 days after my 39th birthday) we received an email asking us to consider a specific situation.  It only took us a few minutes to read through the information before confidently responding, "You betcha!"

Looking back, I can honestly share that I am so thankful for the wait.  Ashley, Jaxson's lovely birthmother, lost her battle with stage 4 colon cancer that May, and my grieving heart desperately needed that time to heal and prepare for the adventure ahead.  God definintely knows me better than I know myself.  

(Last photo taken as a family of 5)

Counting For Caleb {1}

Three months...the amount of time that I have spent contemplating how to adequately write Caleb's birth story.

For maybe the first time in my adult life, pen to paper has not equaled words written and a heart expressed.  Fear of not piecing the words together in a way that points to the Creator has resulted in many unsuccessful rough drafts, In response, I have decided to bite the bullet, lasso my fear of failure, and do my very best to share the beautiful (hand written by God himself) story of our precious Caleb Jesse.

As I think back on the past 8 months, I recognize a common theme.  COUNTING.  Counting the months of being a waiting family.  Counting gestational weeks.  Counting down 60 days until our first court appearance.  Counting the days until March 6 when the adoption will be finalized.  Counting the number of lives that have been forever changed by this one baby.  Counting the sheer amount of joy that he has brought to our already joyful family.

For this reason, I will be "counting" blog posts in the October in hopes of documenting our adoption journey,,."Counting for Caleb".

Thinking of You

Ashley would be celebrating her 26th birthday today. 

I wish that I could tell her...

*He talks about you.  He brings you up in conversation.  He recognizes you in photos.

*Jax and I paid a visit to our beloved pediatrician this morning.  He fell off a teeny tiny step last week, twisted his ankle, and became the incredibly proud owner of a scratch the size of a dime on his right ankle.  Eleven days later, he is still limping and dragging his foot.  No bruising.  No swelling.  No limited activity.  After a thorough exam, the Dr. giggled, shook her head, and giggled some more.  I thought of you.

*Every time he tells me that he is afraid, I think of you and wonder what you were afraid of. 

*Random people are always telling me how crazy smart he is.  I immediately think of you, and I am not surprised.

*Each and every time he experiences something new and his eyes light up, I think of you and wonder if you had the same experience.

*Every time he giggles, I think of you and wonder if you heard it too.

 

I discovered these photos on an old camera a few weeks ago.  Each photo of  Ashley and Jaxson  is so precious to me.

Beach Baby #4

This is as close to the beach as our family will be getting this summer.  

However, we have added a new beach bum.

Beach Baby #4...Caleb Jesse.

Caleb was born locally on June 24th at approximately 9:50 a.m.  Scott and I were at the hospital when he took his very first breath.  In fact, I was in the delivery room and gifted the opportunity to hold him first, cut the umbilial cord, and speak God's promises over his life.

There are still several major hurdles that need to be addressed before he will legally be ours forever, but we are confident that God is fighting the battle for our sweet Caleb.  Please keep our family in prayer as we rely on faith to get us through the next 50 days.

There will be many more photos and posts to come when the dust settles, and we start to breath again.

Quiet Confirmation

Like most intentional mothers, I spend an incredible amount of time questioning my parenting.

 

Discipline, priorities, personalities, activities, free time, clothing choices, character building opportunities, strengths, weaknesses, friendships, nutrition, and education are just a few topics that I evaluate on a daily basis. 

 

Every once in a blue moon,  moments unfold before my eyes, and I receive the affirmation so desperately needed. 

 

I experienced one of those moments on Sunday.

 

There are still countless questions in my mind about how this open adoption is going to unfold.  I only hope and pray that Jax understands that every decision is made with his best interest in mind.

 

He will always know that he is adopted.  He will always know that I loved his birthmother, and that I still grieve her loss daily.  His birth family will always be given the opportunity to choose the relationship that they will have with him.  He will always have the chance to love these two special girls.  He will one day recognize the significance of this photo.  In my opinion,  God is already speaking the truth into his heart.  Some connections are just too evident to deny.

 

 

Thank you God for this precious moment.  I needed it.

My Good-Bye Letter to Ashley (Jaxson's Birth Mother)

On Tuesday, I had the difficult task of writing a final letter to our precious Ashley.  Almost exactly two years ago, I was anxiously considering the idea of embarking on a forever relationship with a complete stranger that would revolve around sharing the love of one baby boy.  Writing this sort of letter was not what I envisioned.  I envisioned letters of pure joy outlining the adventures that our Jaxson was experiencing.  However, that was not God's plan.

At approximately 7:45 this morning, Ashley took her final shallow breath.  

I have been trying to find the perfect words to write as a tribute to this woman who forever changed my life.  I have been trying to find the perfect words to share the bond that exists between the two mothers of a single baby.  I have been trying to find the words to communicate the loss of a dream that I had for Jaxson.  I have been trying to find the words to steady my broken heart.  

I wrote those exact perfect words on Tuesday.  

Dearest Ashley,

I wish that I had the opportunity to share the words that I am about to write face-to-face with you.  However, I just don’t know if I would ever be brave enough to articulate them.  Writing has always been the easiest way for me to share the song that is playing continuously in my overly sensitive heart. 

First, I love you.  I REALLY love you…not for what you have done or even what you haven’t done.  I love you because you are you!  In fact, I have questioned why God birthed this deep love in my heart just to take you away.  But…I am positive it is part of the journey that God has for both of us.  My role is to show you a glimpse of God’s unfailing, unconditional love.  I can only hope that I have in fact done that very thing.

Secondly, thank you.  Thank you for choosing me to be Jax’s mom, but more than that, thank you for allowing me into your life and giving me the opportunity to know you.  Our experience has molded me more into the woman and mother that God has created me to be.  I have been stretched and refined.  The role that you have played in my life has made me better.  For that, I will always be grateful.

Thirdly, I really want to be able to tell Jax that he will see you again in Heaven.  Shoot.  I want to see you there too.  With that said, I can’t promise him that if you haven’t made a commitment to Christ.

I am certain that you are thinking, “If God is real and loves me, why am I battling this awful life-stealing disease?’  That is a fair question.  Many think that God promises perfect, happy lives here on earth.  He doesn’t.  He promises perfect, happy ETERNAL life.  Death is not the end.  The reward and true paradise waits if you turn your fears, questions, and life over to Him, the Creator.  Take for example Jesus.  He was perfect.  Yet he was unjustly tortured and murdered.  As you know, that wasn’t the end.

I am praying for you continuously.  I am praying that you will believe that God loves you and has prepared an eternal home for you.   I am praying that you will experience eternity in glorious Heaven.

I promise to love Jaxson unconditionally.  I promise to laugh with him.  I promise to correct him and direct him down the right paths.  I promise to share God’s love with him countless times daily.  I promise to continue to facilitate a relationship with your dad and sisters.  I promise to always have an open door for your sweet momma to know Jax.  I promise to think of you each and every time his sassy, stubborn side shows.  I promise to treasure every single second of Jax’s life enough for the both of us.  I promise that you will never be far from my thoughts.  I promise that Jax’s first mommy will always be remembered.

When I get to Heaven, you will be the very first person that I look for.  I will have so very much to share with you, and I will need the perfect tour guide.  Please be there.  Please accept Jesus as your Savior.  He is waiting. 

Love you so very much,

Michelle

I haven't shared any photos of Ashley to date, but today they just seem more perfect than any words I can write to express how much she will be missed.  

(May 24, 2013)

 (May 24, 2013)

(July 2013)

(May 2014)

(May 2014)

On Saturday, May 24th, our family, Jaxson's birth family, and our closest friends celebrated Jaxson's first birthday Sesame Street style.  It was absolutely beautiful.  In fact, I am pretty confident that we all had a tear or two in our eyes at one point or another in the afternoon.  

Jax didn't quite know what to think about all the people, but it didn't take him long to figure out that he was the center of attention.

Be warned: there are a lot of photos in the post.  Believe it or not...these aren't even my favorite moments that Deana captured.  I didn't include any of the priceless photos of A or her family.  Many have asked the question, "Wasn't it weird to having his birth family at his party?"  Not at all.  It was perfect and an absolute gift for Jaxson to have all those who love him most celebrating his very life...the life that brought us all together in the first place.  I am confident that the relationships that we have formed will just make all the questions that are to come easier on all of us.  In the place of mystery is knowledge and love.

Olivia created a pinterest board months ago in preparation for the big celebration.  She insisted upon making these cookie monster cupcakes for her little bro.

It may not look like it in this photo, but Princess Abigail really does love me.

Jaxson got so excited when he saw his sister in the crowd of people.  He ran to her and snuggled in her towel.

Hey y'all.  This is my little brother.

It was the perfect day spent celebrating our perfect J Man.  We sure do love Jaxson Scott!