Counting For Caleb {4}

The days leading up to the appointment were definitely filled with a contradiction of emotions.  On one hand, I was beyond excited at the opportunity to get a glimpse of this new life who very well could be mine to love and treasure forever.  On the other hand, there was a very present element of fear.

What if I actively participate in this pregnancy, and in the end she decides to parent?

What if my words or actions are in some way offensive causing her to feel angry, uncomfortable, or possibly even question her decision?

What if I am too guarded and my emotional response to this process doesn't match her expectations?

What if my realness, honesty, and belief in strong communication are too much for her?

If you know me well, then you will not be surprised to read that I showed up entirely too early in hopes of observing my surroundings, gathering information to aid in the day's logistics, and to just gather my thoughts.  I vividly remember sitting in the comfortable patterned waiting room chairs, and praying a silent prayer that closely resembled one said approximately 3 1/2 years ago.

"God, I have no idea how this is going to end, but help me to love her and this precious baby the way You do.  Help me silence my selfishness and be enough."

The peace that I am all too familiar with fell upon me.

In my mind's eye, the day was just about as perfect as the sweet sounds that I am hearing at this very moment and the baby who is making them.

Janey has a number of health issues, and it only took a short amount of time in the Dr.'s office that morning for me to realize that this pregnancy was most definitely high risk.  Thirty four weeks was the longest that she had ever carried a baby.  Given her history and current situation, there was absolutely no reason to believe that this pregnancy would be any different.  A premature baby and a stay in the NICU looked like a real possibility.